Ever Wonder If countries could speak, what would they say?

*Note: Please do not get offended. Answer is meant to be satirical. May contain dark humor and slight racism.*

Vietnam: WE’RE THE STRONKEST NATION IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! WE REMOVED THE MONGOLS, THE BAGUETTES, THE CRAPITALIST BURGERS, AND THE COMMIE CHING-CHONGS! DAI VIET STRONK!

Canada: Welcome to the most peaceful nation in the whole world! We specialize in diversity, hockey, and maple syrup! And we will apologize for everything!

*Proceeds to club a baby seal*

Myanmar and Serbia: If you need Kebab removal services, please call 1–800-REM-OVER!

Russia: Vhat do you mean I’m drunk! Yuo Westerners just have bad alcohol tolerance blyad! Also, rush B, CYKA BLYAT!

*Falls over*

Romania: ROMANIANS ARE NOT GYPSY! FOR THE LAST TIME, ROMANIANS ARE NOT GYPSY!

Germany: Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Merkel! Heil Euro!

UK: Oh, those bloody Eurocrats! Your economy sucks, I’m out! And shut up, Scotland! You’re not leaving me!

Scotland: I should have voted leave back in 2014… You fecking idiot. You’ve just fecked us all.

India and Pakistan: See, he knows! You suck… A lot, UK.

UK: Yeah, yeah. Just shut up. You two still speak English.

USA: We’re the best country in the world! ‘Murica, fuck yeah! Hey Mexico! Stop that illegal immigration before I build the wall (or give you some freedom)!

Mexico: Jajajajaja, gringo! You call it illegal immigration, I call it… La Reconquista!

USA: … You’re delusional. Oh well, I won’t bother with you. Gotta give those A-Rabs some freedom and protect muh oil! ‘Murica!

Australia: Crikey! Those emus are attacking again! To arms! Get the machine guns!

New Zealand: *Grabs popcorn*

Syria: Help! *Slapped by left hand* I- *Slapped by right hand* have a civil war! *Punched by both hands* OUCH!

Japan: *Looks at weeaboos settling in his country*
Anime was a mistake.

North Korea: We’re the real Korea! Remove fake Korea!

South Korea: Not this sh*t again. We can overrun you in a week.

China: North Korea, stfu. South Korea, get rid of that THAAD.

Both Koreas: Don’t order us around, you…

North Korea: Fake commie!

South Korea: Fake capitalist!

Both Koreas: *Starts arguing again*

China: Sometimes I really wonder if I should have helped North Korea.
*Looks up at screen*
Oh hello, human! By the way, thanks for buying stuff that I made.

USA: Thanks for the iPhones, China! Oh yeah, and…
*Sends China a picture of a huge red button*
This is my nuke button. Much bigger than Russia’s or North Korea’s, in case you’re interested, baby!

China: *Death glares America*
How would you like your trade deficit?

_____________________________________

 

USA: I’ll take two #9s, a #9 large, a #6 with extra dip, a #7, two #45s, one with chee–

Russia: Davai, yuo cyka blyat! Outings of my way. I will have six vodka, extra large, table for one.

Italy: Now who-a do you-a thinks we are? Ze USA? We not have extra large drinks. Only European medium*

*it’s more like a small for anyone in the US

USA: Hey are you calling me fat? Well I’ll warn you that I have a nuclear button on my desk and if–

North Korea: DOTARD HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH SUPERIOR KOREA WE WILL NOT BEINGS THE AFRAID TO DO BOOMBOOM OF GUAM TRY ONE MORE–

Russia: СУКА БЛЯТЬ! I JUST WANT SOME VODKA!

Canada: I apologize for interrupting, but perhaps we could all calm down for a moment, eh?

Japan: SHIT! WHAT’S THAT?

South Korea: DAMN IT NORTH KOREA, I thought we agreed to stop these launches for the olympics!

North Korea: Fine*

Poland: I CAN INTO SPACE TOO, YUO KURWAS KNOW.

England: Did any of you just hear something?

Mexico: No, I didn’t hear anything. Maybe it was a fly?

USA: What does ‘no’ mean. I don’t speak Españisho or whatever it is.

England: Do I seriously have to explain this again? “No” in Spanish means “no” in English.

USA: Well how am I supposed to no that, genius?

Japan: AHH! IT JUST LANDED NEXT TO ME!

South Korea: No–

USA: That’s it North Korea your leader is an old fat ma–

North Korea: Well at least I don’t have an orange with fake hair th–

USA: Oh you wanna talk about the hair? Well–

China: STOP BULLYING HIM.

North Korea: YEAH. I’M TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON!

Canada: I’m terribly sorry to interrupt again, but how about we all go to Tim Hortons, eh?

Russia: Does they possessing the vodka?

USA: Starbucks is better

France: HELP, USA! I NEET YUORE HELPINGS!

USA: *sighs* What is it this time?

France: WE HAVE SPOTTED A WEAPON COMING DIRECTLY TOWARDS US. NO TIME TO RAISE THE WHITE FLAGS! PLS GIVE US PROTECCION!

Germany: France, is just ein commercial airplane. Heading for your airport in Paris.

France: NO IT’S NOT! ASK SWITZERLAND!

Germany: Okay, what do you think Switzerland?

Switzerland: …


Meanwhile…

Australia: SPIT OFF YA CUNT!

Emus: *emu noises*

Australia: AGH! BLOODY HELL!

*bullets firing*

Emus: *angry emu noises*

Australia: RETREAT! RETREAT!

Australia: Ah, well we’ll get ’em next time, mates. Right New Zealand?

New Zealand: Uhh..Yeah. For sure…


I think I’ve been looking at too much Polandball.

____________________

North Korea:

*bomb explodes*

“Ouch!”

South Korea:

“Stop scaring me!”

Japan:

“Can you stop waking me up with sirens?”

Russia:

*death stares Pyongyang*

“Nyet!”

China (PRC):

“Calm down child, you still have much to learn…”

China/Taiwan (ROC):

“Hey, don’t mock me!”

USA:

“China, don’t mock China. I love China! China, you hear that? Stop North Korea and stop annoying China!”

China (both):

*death stares USA*

Australia:

*death stares Russia*

“America, you’ve my back, right?”

USA:

“Yes… …maybe.”

UK:

“Hey France, ya think our new carrier could take on your lousy De Gaulle?”

France:

“Je me rends!”

Ukraine:

*fumbles with Russian to Ukrainian dictionary*

New Zealand:

“I was thinking, with all the chaos in the world, maybe it’s time for another shot at the Bob Semple tank?”

All:

*death stares New Zealand*

 

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